General Silliness
by Repp Ohs Sarg
Summary: I got this done in just 3 hours, so a little surprising. Hermione writes a letter to Viktor Krum. A small satire that went awry. Please read and review! Rated for small use of language.


**General silliness**

In Which Hermione Writes a Letter To Dear Friend Viktor Krum

Note:Snape kills Trinity with Rosebud. And then it turns out they're both Tyler Durden. Translator's note : Smokin'Oken does not own Harry Potter.

Note : If your browser supports it, Lucida Calligraphy at size 13 is a nice font.

Note:No offense to rich people and rappers. I repeat, no offense to rich people and rappers.

_Dear Viktor,_

_I'm completely fine. My relationship with Harry is going quite fine. Every time we stare into each other's eyes, we forget the world around us, and this golden light always envelops us....and it gets a little irritating when that happens, truth be told. I mean, imagine, every time you kiss, you're used to seeing this golden light and it gets you colourblind after the kiss....._

_Then there's that matter with Malfoy and Ron always demanding we respect them wherever we meet them. Honestly, how many times should we...err...as Harry wants me to put it, 'Beat the goddamn shit out of them'? We've probably done that a thousand times over. We're thinking of isolating ourselves a lot. It gets boring doing over and over again._

_Dumbledore still hasn't given up on Harry. He's STILL deluded. There's only so many times he can preach the Greater Good, maybe he should start looking at the Lesser, Not so Greater and the Bad Goods as well....Harry's rolling in wealth from the hundreds of investments he has in several popular muggle companies. He's still the most eligible wizard of that b...err witch weekly. And all the threats I've sent them seem to be ineffective. Do me a favor, Viktor, and make sure your kids don't come here when they're of age. You're better off sending them to Asia or something, if you don't want them at Durmstrang. At any rate, don't you dare set foot in magical Britain unless it's for a visit or a match.I repeat, don't set foot in magical Britain. Neither you nor your kids deserve that. You'll be harassed by stupid people, and people who are stupid and stupidity of stupid people....I know, you're wondering, 'why is Hermione being redundant? She never does that...'. Honestly, I want you to get the message._

_Voldemort's now resorting to lying low. We think he's planning something big, so we've made ourselves more 'bad ass', as Harry wants me to put it. We've got tons and tons of armor on ourselves, Basilisk, Antipoedan Opaleye, Hungarian Horntail, Chinese Fireball, even a rare breed of dragon discovered recently, the Bulgarian Bastion! And we've got several illegal wands, knives, staves, targes, polearms, scythes, glaives, hammers, axes, claws, gloves, bone shields, masks, boots, throwing axes, knives, bolts, bows, arrows, potions, salves, medicinal herbs, and have got mobile potions labs with our personal manors and libraries, complete with libraries, mines, pools, deserts, wastelands, grasslands, seas, oceans, lakes and so on and so forth. Yes, it cost tons, but then again, Harry's never ending vaults with plenty of money from hundreds of investments and with several hundred thousands worth of gems and necklaces can never run out, can it?_

_Anyway, I know it is a bit stupid, what I'm going to say, but please bear with me. Please don't send any necklaces, charms, bracelets, rings, brooches, hairpins, nose rings, nose cuffs, nose chains, tiaras, coronets, diamonds, circlets, armlets, anklets, toe rings, amulets, emblems, lockets, medallions, and pendants for gifts, be it Christmas, Easter, an anniversary, or any of our birthdays. Please do not feel that I'm offending you, but I have no choice than ask you this. We have gifted one or more of the above to each other, and as a result, we now look like a cross between over bloated uppity rich people and rappers(they're muggles who sing in this style called 'rap', which involves timing the words to rhyme). And we're losing track of who gave what(Harry's worn his armlets over his legs twice now, and still thinks you were the one who sent the nose ring that turns nose hair into ringlets(I straightened out his nose hair(I don't know why I'm using so many brackets))). While that does not describe the whole situation, it's so bad that you wouldn't want to see us wearing all the stuff we've gifted each other. Just...just come over for a visit, maybe bring a nice box of chocolates or some food from far away lands or something. No jewellery, please. We always appreciate a nice visit, or a letter expressing your best wishes, even if you're out of ideas and have to resort to copying from a book about writing letters. Honest._

_One of the main reasons for writing was this. Harry sends his regards to you. He's really wanted to know for sometime now if you and Fleur were fine. Also, if possible, he wants you to come over here to visit Cedric's grave. He's also inviting the current Triwizard Tournament Champions over to do so. Dumbledore wants to use this opportunity to show his grandfatherliness, and maybe recruit you in that Order of Fried Fenugreek of his. I'm sure you'll make a sensible decision. As for Fleur, she's hooked up some guy named something or other, don't quite remember. The current champions aren't quite up to snuff as you four were, but they're alright, I suppose._

_I think I've bored you enough with useless stuff. Tell me in the reply how life's going with Gwenog Jones. And do tell her I said hello._

_Your best friend_

_Hermione Granger._

_P.S:Harry wanted me to include a subscript._

_Dear Viktor, I hope you're fine and all that jazz. Keep working on those seeking skills, because the second you land here, I'm going to challenge you to a seeking match with a different play format. And tell Gwenog I said hello. Anything else can wait till you get here._

_P.S:Chap, don't ever send such nose rings again. Ever._

"There you go, Hedwig. Wait there till you get a reply. Safe flight." said Hermione, as she finished tying the letter to her leg.

"What are you doing, Hermione?" asked Harry, hugging her from behind, watching Hedwig take flight.

"Just sending that letter to Viktor." said Hermione, smiling gently.

"Well, are you ready to go?" asked Harry.

"Yes, let's go. It's been a long time since I heard Oasis at all. This is going to be good." said Hermione.

"Oh, look, Luna, the golden couple has returned." said Neville.

"Yes, well, shut it, Neville." said Harry, nonplussed. Turning to Hermione, he asked, "You say we'll love Oasis?".

"Yes. The set list for this gig is fantastic. We have high chances of encores too. Now come on. I'm dying to hear 'Don't go away'!" said Hermione, dragging Harry out.

"Okies." said Luna.

And they left for the gig.

* * *

Three days later, at some...err, Krum Manor....

"Aw, such a cute owl, whose is it?" asked Gwenog, petting it.

"Harry's." said Viktor. "This is most probably a letter from Herm-own-ninny."

"Well, let's see what it says, shall we?" asked Gwenog, as she opened the letter, and went next to Viktor and set it.

They read the letter, chuckling a lot in between.

"Are you sure you never sent that-"

"No. I haff never, and I will never do so." said Viktor, firmly.

"Well, let's work on that reply." said Gwenog.


End file.
